For many couples, there comes a time when sex feels more like a box to check off on a daily to-do list than a passionate encounter. If you find yourself in this rut, you're not alone. Today, we're diving into why sex can sometimes feel like a chore and how you can shift your perspective to make it enjoyable and exciting again.
Why Does Sex Feel Like a Chore?
Sex becoming a chore can stem from various reasons, from lack of pleasure to overwhelming stress or simple boredom. Here are some common feelings you might relate to:
"It used to be easy to get turned on, now it’s a struggle."
"I’m just too stressed and tired all the time."
"It feels like the same old routine; I’m bored."
"I feel more like a means to an end rather than a desired partner."
Understanding the root of the problem is the first step in transforming your intimate life from mundane to meaningful.
Bringing Science Into the Bedroom
Let's talk science! Specifically, the Dual Control Model, developed at the Kinsey Institute in the 1990s. This model helps us understand sexual desire through two components:
Sexual Excitation System (SES): These are your 'accelerators,' or the things that turn you on, like physical touch, romantic settings, or emotional connection.
Sexual Inhibition System (SIS): These are your 'brakes,' or what stops you from getting turned on, such as stress, fatigue, or feeling unappreciated.
Everyone's mix of accelerators and brakes is unique, which means finding what turns you off and on is crucial to enhancing your sexual relationship.
If you want more information on this, we highly recommend Emily Nagoski's book Come As You Are.
Practical Examples:
Consider a spouse working long hours, stressed and exhausted. The mental load doesn’t just disappear at the end of the day, turning the idea of sex into another task rather than a pleasurable escape. For someone with a sensitive 'brake,' understanding what eases that pressure can be a game-changer. Small gestures by a partner, like recognizing their hard work or giving them space to unwind, can switch their gears more effectively than expected.
The Power of Context and Mindset
Context matters. Your environment and mental state play huge roles in how you perceive sexual advances. It’s why a playful tickle during a stressful moment can irritate you, while the same action on a relaxed date night might excite you.
Let’s consider a scenario from that book we mentioned earlier by Emily Nagoski, Come As You Are. Camilla, initially melted by her husband’s affectionate neck kisses, later finds the same action annoying amidst cooking dinner. Their solution? Recreate the dating phase where anticipation built up desire, proving sometimes, it’s not about more pursuit, but about recreating the right context that leads to excitement and desire.
Rethinking Your Sexual Mindset
How you view sex in your marriage deeply influences your desire. If it feels like a chore, ask yourself why. Is it benefiting just your spouse, or is it something that should be enjoyable for you too? Reflecting on these questions can shift your perspective.
Song of Solomon and the Joy of Mutual Desire
The Bible portrays sex as a mutually satisfying experience, not a duty for one spouse to endure for the other’s sake. Embracing this can transform your approach to sex from a task to a delight. If you are the wife and are finding it hard to shift your mindset in this area, we highly recommend the book Awaken Love by Ruth Buezis.
Looking Ahead: Mindfulness in Sex
Mindfulness can be a powerful tool for enhancing sexual pleasure by helping you stay present and engaged during intimacy. An excellent resource for this would be our episode where we interviewed the expert in this field, Dr. Lori Brotto. Click here to listen.
Experiment and Communicate
Lastly, if sex isn’t pleasurable, it’s essential to explore what you truly enjoy. Talk openly with your spouse about your likes, dislikes, and fantasies. Remember, it's about finding joy and pleasure in the journey together.
Conclusion:
Sex should be a source of connection and joy, not just another task on your list. By understanding your and your partner's needs, experimenting with new approaches, and embracing a mindset that views sex as beneficial for both, you can reignite the passion in your bedroom. Start this journey today, and remember, you're not just working on your sex life; you're enhancing your entire relationship. Keep the dialogue open, stay curious, and let your bedroom be a place of discovery and mutual delight.
Come listen to us chat about this topic in depth in this episode!
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